Saturday, 11 March 2017

The Boy Who Broke My Heart for the First Time

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Recently, I stumbled across various diary entries about this boy I was infatuated with almost four years ago. I refer to him as a 'boy' given the immaturity of our situation and 'infatuation' because I seem to have a better understanding of what love is now. At least, I'd like to think so.
Reading my seventeen-year-old thoughts made me re-live my memories with him, only this time I was watching from the outside. 

Everything I felt, from the moment I knew I was developing feelings for him until he broke my heart.  This is how he became the 'boy who broke my heart for the first time'. 
It was documented and written by an oblivious teenager. People are so quick to say that just because you're young, your feelings about love aren't that important. To an extent, I agree. In my opinion, my feelings were partly based on the idea of him. I question whether I knew who he truly was, or did I grow to like who I thought he might be? 
Nevertheless, those feelings... they were real. It shaped my attitude and mindset towards relationships, in a positive way of course. Therefore, they were important. Irrespective of what people say, 'you were stupid to pursue him' or 'he's only going to hurt your feelings, I followed my heart. Unfortunately, sometimes that leads to painful consequences. That's something we must learn by ourselves.

We're all familiar with the excitement when we start to date someone. You subconciously put them on this pedestal and you wonder how someone can be so perfect. Silly us, nobody's perfect (unless you're Lee Min Ho)

We often fall for their sweet words like "You have no idea how much it makes me so unbelievably unhappy not talking to you" It's ridiculous how easy it is to fall for words. This continued for months until I built up the courage and told him how I felt. It was a sigh of relief when he told me that he wanted to see where it was going. Unfortunately, during that week we gradually stopped talking and he ended it. Just like that. Just like any other teen dating story, we didn't last long. 

Even though we were never a 'thing' and whatever was going on between us wasn't labelled, it was still very special to me. He understood and saw me in a different light. That was my issue with letting go, there was a connection there that I didn't have with anybody else. 
It wasn't easy, cutting him off, it never is when you care for someone so much. So in times of despair, the only thing I felt I could turn to was writing. For example:
"A boy that drove me insane once said "don't leave" out of the blue. 
"I'm not going anywhere" I responded,
He replied "Yeah please"
Sadly, it was him that left. It was him that didn't stay.
(Dramatic, I KNOW)

For a while, I recall it hurting a lot. Sometimes, no amount of 'moving on' quotes or advice from friends could help. Sadly, for some of us, never giving up on people can be our downfall. Particularly when the recipient is fully aware of this, but they aren't willing to catch us in return. The truth is, I didn't want to let go and I wasn't ready to. Instead, I was forced to for the sake of my sanity and heart. It was the best decision I'd ever made, I would have been a fool to chase after him. Because that very same year, I met my soulmate. 
As much as we don't want to hear this, letting go of someone is for the best. We may not realise it at the time, but it's not meant to be. Neither is it benefitting us anymore. We can't change people and we can't force people to want us. Even though that sucks, you shouldn't ever convince someone to be in your life. If they wanted to be there, they'll choose to be there. Choose to protect your heart and choose to let go

I'll always remember him, he was a good friend to me. There is no hard feelings whatsoever, instead I am eternally grateful. He wasn't a mistake but a blessing in disguise
I wasn't sure about whether it was appropriate to post this. Nevertheless, we've all been in this position whereby we've mistaken love for infatuation and a few heartbreaks back in our teens. So, why not share?

I am grateful for my current partner. He has a heart of gold and I fall more in love with his kind soul every day. Had I not experienced that prior heartbreak and grown from it, my relationship wouldn't work out as well as it does today. Most importantly, two years on and he hasn't given up on me. I trust that he won't.
 
Love,
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4 comments

  1. Love this Micah❤ The fact that you shared this shows how strong you are!

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    1. Thanks B, miss you! Hope you get your blog up and running again <3

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  2. This is the cutest. So proud and happy for you ☺

    Jessica | growchangeaccept.co.uk

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