Saturday, 9 September 2017

A Boyfriend/Girlfriend Is A Luxury, Not A Necessity...



It was a spring afternoon mid-way through April, a very good friend of mine (Jessica) and I met up for brunch at the Holborn Grind. It was one of those “we seriously need to catch up, there’s so much to tell you” meet-ups and you end up talking so much your food ends up cold. Anyway, something she said that day stuck with me. It changed my entire perspective on love and relationships,

“I don’t miss people, is that weird? I lived a life before them, so I know that I can cope without them”

*queue Destiny’s Child Independent Women*

Hello? lightbulb moment or what?!




Like most things in life, committing yourself to another person is terrifying. To the extent where you 
feel the physical symptoms such as nausea. Or like me, you have to pee fifty times before the first date, thank you M&S you saved me two years ago with your free toilet.

The idea of love and being in a relationship sounds amazing. And there’s that quote everyone relates to – when you’re single you see people in happy relationships, when you’re in a relationship you see happy single people - there isn’t many discussions relating to what problems you could potentially face. One of them is the way you feel about yourself and your lifestyle changes, it requires a lot more balance and sacrifice.


My mother always taught my sisters and I to maintain our high standards and frankly, we aren’t ashamed of it. We don’t want to settle for anyone that doesn’t aim high and we want that ‘grow-together’ type of love. We’ve always known what we wanted, it’s black and white really (which is how this relates to my outfit). I’ve always believed that there isn’t a grey area when it comes to relationships. For example, they either like you or they don’t, you either trust them or you don’t and you either see a future with them or you don’t. This whole ‘maybe/I don’t know’ or grey area, wastes time. I KNOW, relationships are a lot more complicated than that. It requires patience and compromise and I’m not saying that you should disregard that, rather make sure you both agree on what it is that you want; take it from someone who consistently let people waste my time
(I swear I had doormat written on my forehead between the age of 14-18).

The most important factor that shouldn’t change is your confidence and your self-worth. People always try and encourage us to ‘love ourselves first before anyone else’ and I strongly agree. However, that’s not always the case. In fact, I unexpectedly met my boyfriend when we were at different stages of our lives. So, he’s been there from when I hated myself to when I felt confident about myself. And yes, it did put a strain on our relationship. But to have someone who stays with you throughout it all, keeper or what?!

Here’s how I see it:
Independence + Confidence = Happiness

Let’s discuss this formula bit by bit…

INDEPENDENCE
Whilst we all yearn for companionship, it’s important to learn how to be satisfied with being by yourself. For some of us, this is easy. I for one, love my alone time. However, for others, they require constant companionship.

It’s human nature to feel that we ‘need’ certain things in life in order to live. I believe that it’s to do with our intrinsic survival mind-set. We always want the best things that bring us the most joy. On the other hand, we somewhat get lost and fail to distinguish what we actually need to survive; a relationship isn’t one of them.

What else brings us love and joy? Our friends and family. They are one of the most important sources of happiness. Although we’re guilty of doing this, solely investing your time on your partner and forgetting about your friends and family isn’t the wisest decision. It’s about striking a balance between the people in your lives.

So, when we no longer have that significant other in our life to bring us joy we go into panic mode. We think the worst and assume that we’ll never feel happy again. But we know better than that, our irrational thoughts don’t process and understand that we will feel that type of happiness again but better. That’s why it’s so hard for us to let go of these toxic things, we literally pull the wool over our eyes and choose to ignore what made us so unhappy in the first place (which most of the time, outweigh the good) we forget our self-worth because the fear of needing someone overshadows our strength and ability to face the emotional barriers of leaving someone.

I don’t think anyone could ever prepare themselves for a relationship or even ending one. But what you can do is to teach yourself to love yourself wholly and fully. That way, your dignity and self-worth becomes untouchable. There are billions of people on this earth, no one should have the power to take away your self-value.


+

CONFIDENCE
You need to be confident about yourself and the decisions you make. No one knows you better than you know yourself. It’s like saying ‘yes’ when deep down you mean ‘no’ how are they meant to know what you really mean? Let’s face it, no-one is a mind reader.

It’s so important to do things that make you feel good about yourself. From the smallest things to getting a pedicure to having brunch with your friends. For me, I love to read self-help books, watch Ted Talks on YouTube (My self-care post is coming soon!) and talk to my friends Bose/Lizzie/Francine. But most importantly, I take time out to write about how I feel and what I’m not happy about and why. That’s how I devise a solution as to how I can change how I feel about myself.

We also need to identify when a relationship is abusive or it’s no longer benefitting our lives. Whether it’s emotionally or physically, trying to love someone that’s toxic never ends well. It’s a lot easier said than done to leave a relationship, particularly as an attachment has already formed. But there will always be that gut instinct screaming at us when something’s not right. You should never feel ashamed of putting yourself first. Also, friends and family play a significant role in this; advice from someone on the outside will prove to be more useful than you think.


=

HAPPINESS
Happiness is subjective and we can find it in almost everything we do. From food to *queue my Miss London NABA 2015 Q&A speech here* friends. You should always pursue those who bring so much joy and support to your life. Evidently, this is something that I don’t personally feel like I need to tell you guys! Always love yourself first and give your all to making sure you’re confident and positive. That way, the love you give won’t alter the love you have for yourself.


If you’re going through a hard time, you either work through it or you end it. Only you know what’s best for you and you should always live your life according to how you want it.
We need to respect ourselves and just because someone disrespects us it doesn’t reflect how we should feel about ourselves.

What makes you happy? Let me know in the comments below!
post signature
Outfit details:
Top - Warehouse
Skirt - Boohoo
Mules - New Look
Bag - Mango
Sunglasses - H&M
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6 comments

  1. Wow Micah! I don't think anyone could have said this any better! You totally got this whole message on point, definitely worth loving yourself before committing to a relationship unless the other person is willing to compromise with you and grow together!

    https://www.bosefayodeka.com

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    1. Thank you so much Bose! Exactly, it's down to making it work and compromising! X

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  2. When I opened to read this, I was not expecting to read something that came out of my own mouth😂

    But you have seriously hit it on the nail there my girl! Preach it and say it louder for those people in the back!

    Ps - will always love your NABA answer, I cried!

    Jessica | www.foodandbaker.co.uk / www.foodandbakertravels.co.uk

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    1. Of course, who else do I learn half of these life lessons from?! Always been you!

      Thank you so so much! X

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  3. # Micah
    I was hit straight in the feels reading this. I remember so vividly how you spoke to me about this when I needed it the most last year. Looking back then, I didn't love myself, I was so dependent (like a child) on a guy who didn't love me back and didn't actually want to commit to me.

    I was so emotionally invested and involved that when he left - I entered panic mode - I didn't know what to do, it was the darkest moment of my life and I didn't think I would ever get over it. It got to the point I couldn't see my life/future ahead at all. Because he was my future and to me he was needed for me to continue on with my life. Because I lacked so much of that confidence and independence to pursue anything without him by my side.

    After you spoke to me and said that iconic line of boyfriends not being needed to live life, it hit me hard like a brick LOL Thank you for reminding me how amazing I am, how I am able to live by myself, how I am independent, how I am truly freaking awesome alone without a guy by my side. I love you so much and owe you so much for that day, I look at myself now and see that strong woman I wanted to be, the one I knew who was always there. I’m confident, I’m happy, I’m independent.

    Side note: I love your outfit here T_T Your off the shoulder top is so beautiful, you suit them SO well. QUEEN QUEEN QUEEN. Also I love how it relates to the blog too, creativity goals ;)

    You’re amazing Micah, thank you for sharing <3

    http://pawlean.com

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    Replies
    1. Ah you sweetheart.
      I'm not going to lie, depending on another person is something I feel we're all somewhat guilty to doing when we first get into a relationship. It's very easy to do that. It's even harder to maintain that confidence when all you want to do in the beginning is make that person happy, you forget to make yourself happy and to remind yourself what is is you truly deserve.

      You are amazing and no matter how many boys break your heart, just know we can see what they don't - your biggggg heart. You're such a giving person and one day, that guy won't take it for advantage and will appreciate you for who you are.

      Thank you so much for consistently sharing your thoughts on my blog and for telling me about your experience, it's honestly eye-opening to see your perspective!

      Love you lots! X

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